2009 in Review

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Wonderful Kwanzaa, Jolly Saturnalia, and a Most Joyous Festivus to all of you! Let me start by thanking everyone for their feedback on the comedy debut, whether it be positive, honest, or the preferred choice, both! As mentioned, I really enjoyed doing it, and I am hoping to get up there again very soon. I am tentatively penciled in for Jan. 10, but my schedule is crazy in January, so I will let you know as soon as I do. Speaking of January, part of what will make that month so crazy is several job interviews and starting my last semester at USF. But before we can look forward, we have to look back. Thus, I've decided to review my 2009, putting it in simplest terms with little to no explanation, in an effort to make it much shorter and relatively funnier.

January: Who the hell remembers?!? It was 12 months ago!
February: Interviewed at Kennesaw State, Pick up guitar, Sprained my ankle playing soccer
March: Did not get job at Kennesaw State, resprained ankle by coming back too soon, March sucks
April: Met Abby
May: Several friends graduated from the program, Most move, Becca stayed
June: Summer begins, Cavs eliminated from Playoffs, Put down guitar, Greg and Xtina move, You bastards
July: Abby and I travel to Ohio, Ankle finally healthy enough to play soccer again, Indians eliminated from playoffs (basically), Decide to start writing jokes for eventual standup, Move in with Abby, Get first job offer at Middle Tennessee State
August: Turn down first job offer, Move out of apartment with Abby and into first own apartment, Browns eliminated from playoffs (might have well been), Start teaching research methods
September: Travel to Ohio, One of best friends weds my former girlfriend, Many jokes are written
October: I turn 28, Son of a Bitch, I sprain ankle again, Son of a Bitch, Interview with Hastings and Angelo State, Get eliminated from said job openings, Son of a Bitch!
November: Go to Puerto Rico for conference, Interview with Creighton
December: Interview with Fairleigh Dickinson, Prep for future interviews with Central Michigan and Houston-Clear Lake, Do first Open-Mic, Hilarity Ensues

Making with the Funny

By popular demand, here is the video of my comedic debut. The first joke gets cut off just a bit and you may have to turn it up to make sure you can hear, but overall, its good quality for a camera phone in the last row. Personally, I think the set hits it stride about midway, but I'll let you be the judge. I put the URL at the bottom in case you want to watch it directly on YouTube or send it to other people, let's take this thing viral! Oh, and Debbie and Derek, you know I love, but the wedding was self-admittedly a funny and awkward situation, how could I not put it in my act! Nothing but love for you both. :) I hope everyone enjoys it, and if you don't, give me a break, it was my first try!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLY8NFVTQok

That was Pretty F-ing Sweet!

So last night was my first attempt at standup comedy in front of a real audience (see picture of me, standing up, in front of other people, hereafter labeled “the audience”). I would say there were about 70 people in the crowd when I went up, my set end up being about 5 minutes long, and without sounding too cocky, considering it was my first time, I killed it! Here is a short reason list of reasons of why I loved every minute of last night:

1) I finally really got up there and did it. I got that first performance monkey off of my back. Considering I announced that I was going to start doing standup comedy on June 23^rd (see blog archive…I can’t believe it was that long ago, I thought for sure it was like in September!), I am glad I waited this long. I really did the necessary prep work, worked on my material and delivery, and was really ready when the time came. I got a lot of feedback and ideas from a lot of people during that time, and I thank everyone who had a hand in this with all of my heart!

2) Despite being nervous and excited (who wouldn’t be?), I was poised and had a strong, steady voice while I was up there. I hit almost all the punchlines I wanted to, didn’t forget anything, and didn’t have any major pauses, verbal or otherwise.

3) Despite having at least 10 other people from the area who wanted to come but could not, I had 20 people show up to support me. My friends freaking rock! Most of the other performers only had the requisite 4 people needed to take the stage.

4) People laughed. Seems like a small thing, but considering the goal of anyone who gets up there is to entertain people, you don’t know how good it feels to have an audience really feeling what you are throwing out there. And those that were there know that some of the other performers were not as lucky…we had a couple of real tank jobs up there.

5) Several of other open-mic performers, the MC, and the open mic director all told me I did a great job.

6) The headliner of the night, Pretty Pauly Parsons, a vulgar and mostly hilarious old man who was performing in the main dining room later in the night, came up to me immediately after I got off the stage and said, and I quote, “Great mothaf*$#ing set, man. Seriously.”

7) The MC, who you could tell was funny but was not having the best night in terms of generating laughs, came up to introduce the next performer, and said, “What's up? My name is Joe Mazzola…what? I got to take laughs anyway I can get them!”

8) Last, but certainly not least, I was one of the two people chosen by audience applause to make it to the Opportunity Knox round for an opportunity to win a trip to Knoxville for the Sidesplitters final. Now, a couple things about that. First, I can’t even perform in the show I qualified for because it’s the 26^th of this month, and I will be in Ohio. But the manager seemed genuinely disappointed that I couldn’t make it, and he said there were some other events coming up, and they would try to get me back soon to do a set. Second, I realize I won in part because I brought 20 people. J But I really was one of the better sets of the night, and plenty of people other than just my friends were cheering for me when the voting was going on. This was also evident when I told the other lady who won that I couldn’t make the next show it but wished her good luck. She turns to me, and says, “I wish I could say I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m really glad you won’t be there.”

As a final note, I can’t describe the rush it was being up there. I’ve always thought of teaching as a type of performance as well, and it definitely gives me a natural high, but doing comedy was like that times 10. For those of you worried, no, I am not going to quit my day job (I still love teaching and academia, and in fact, I should have a job interviews' update posted in the next week or so). But it is nice to know that I have a little (probably very little) talent in stand-up. I can see this as a real hobby for me, and possibly as a way to make a little (probably very little) extra money on the side some day.

Alright, for those that were hoping for a video of the performance. I promise I will have that up here tomorrow for sure. I think I have tracked down a video of the actual performance, and I am waiting to get that and make sure it can actually be heard. If it works, I will post that tomorrow. If not, I will post the practice I did in front of my computer before the show, but fingers crossed for the real thing!

The Show Has Almost Arrived…

Well, it took longer than I thought it would, but it looks like it will finally happen. On Wednesday, December 16^th, at Sidesplitters in Tampa, I will make my comedic debut at an open mic. It is only a 6 minute set, but it will be my first performance with an audience of more than 10. For those of you in Tampa, that is awesome news because you get to come out and see me, plus other young comics and Pretty Paul Parsons, for only $5! I need to have at least 4 fans come to be able to go on stage, so let me know if you are definitely going or planning on going. The show starts at 6:30pm, but I have to be signed in at 6pm, and if anyone wants to ride with me or meet at my place first, let me know. For those of you who want to attend, go to the link below, click on the Dec. 16^th Open Mic show, and buy tix. The promo code to get the $5 tickets is ‘DOMINOS’.

http://www.sidesplitterscomedy.com/calendar.asp

In honor of my first show, I decided to share some “Ruminations” with you that I have been posting the last few months. What are ruminations, you ask? They are short, funny observations (250 words or less), and there is website where people post them hosted by comedian Aaron Karo and inspired by his bi-weekly column. Some of you may have even got a chain email that had several of these ruminations (such as, why doesn’t Google have an ‘avoid ghetto’ feature?), although they were not appropriately labeled and credited to their true authors. You can find these and more at ruminations.com, if you are interested. So here are some of my posts to the site, some funnier than others. And don’t worry possible show-goers, I took out any punch lines that might be part of the set next week.

-When I see little kids running around like crazy at Target, I think their parents should rein those brats in. Of course, when I was a kid, I used to turn the clothes racks into my own little forts. But that's different...because my Mom was the best!

-When I was a kid, I couldn't figure out how libraries stayed in business.

-I saw a recent NBA injury report that listed a player being out with a "glute contusion"...that's the nicest way I've ever heard of to say "ass bruise".

-"Why does love always feel like a battlefield?" What a profound statement, Jordin Sparks. If only someone else had thought of that metaphor, oh, I don't know...25 years ago!

-The upper limit for cat ownership is 2. Anything over that, and you automatically become a crazy cat person.

-Shaving from a full beard to clean shaven should be a process that includes no less than 3 different ridiculous beard/mustache combinations.

-Do you suppose the Trojan Horse was anatomically correct? If not, they totally missed out, they could have fit 5-6 more soldiers in that thing.

-A friend just posted a Facebook status about what a great time he is having on his beach vacation. What happened to the days when a vacation actually meant getting away from technology and constant communication for awhile?

-I have a theory that once you get a neck tattoo, you have narrowed down your possible careers to NBA basketball player, rapper, or mechanic. On a positive note, I am much more confident in my mechanic's ability if he has a neck tattoo.

-Yesterday, I had to slam on my brakes, and I instinctively put my arm across the case of beer in the passenger seat to protect it as if it was my kid. I can't decide if this bodes well for my future children or not.

Ridiculous Music for Your Listen Pleasure?

I made this CD a while back, but I figured I would make it public and give you all a chance to judge and mock me (as well as possibly download these songs and enjoy their ridiculousness). There are 4 basic rules to make it onto this CD: a) the song has to be ridiculous, I think this is self-explanatory, and if you know any of these songs, you know what I am talking about, b) only one song per artist, c) the artist was serious when they wrote the song…yes, many Tenacious D songs are ridiculous, but Jack Black meant them to be that way, so they don’t count!, and d) at some level or in some particular mood, I enjoy the song, I realize that probably none of these songs are musically good, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a time or place when they can be enjoyed. That’s it, hope you enjoy and agree. Also, this is not a ranking of the songs, just all the songs that made the cut to be on this playlist, and the particular order I decided to put them in for listening purposes.

1. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up: White dude, deep voice, trench coat…how can you go wrong?!?! Special shout out to Greg, Xtina, and Rossi for this song’s involvement in one of the craziest nights/mornings we have ever known!

2. Billy Ocean - Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car: Sure, could have gone with ‘When the Going Get Tough’, but this song is just more fun.

3. Night Ranger – Don’t Tell Me You Love Me: That’s right, the OTHER Night Ranger song!

4. Starship – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now: That’s right, the OTHER Starship song.

5. Styx – Mr. Roboto – “Domo Arigoto, Mr. Roboto”

6. Toto – Africa: Forget being ridiculous and good, this song is just downright good! It has strangely survived the passage of time…and I have no idea how or why.

7. Paperboy – Ditty: A classic 90s “rap” song, which makes me long for the days when rap had a real beat, true rhymes, and quality lyrics, and didn’t just yell “ho”, “bitch”, and “yeah” for 3 and a half minutes.

8. Bel Biv Devoe – Poison: This song invokes very vivid memories of grade school “skating parties”. If you don’t know what one of those is, I am sad for you and whatever sad town you grew up in.

9. Color Me Badd – I Wanna Sex You Up: Another 90s classic.

10. Corey Hart – I Wear My Sunglasses at Night: Now forever associated with “My New Haircut”, but nonetheless, makes me smile whenever I hear it.

11. Poison – Cry Tough: There had to be a Bret Michaels song on here somewhere, this one is about as ridiculous as it gets.

12. Richie Sambora – Rosie: Who you might ask? This is the guitarist from Bon Jovi during his brief, and not very illustrious, solo career.

13. Steve Perry – Oh Sherrie: “Steeeevveee Perry!..Dude, I said no more Journey psycho-outs!” Speaking of random solo careers, the lead singer of Journey really belts out his only “hit”.

14. Mr. Mister – Broken Wings: “What? I can’t flex the golden pipes? It’s inspirational.” “This isn’t the venue.”

15. Cutting Crew – (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight: “…it must have been something you said, I just died in your arms tonight!” Oh yeah!

16. TQ – Westside: This is about as sappy a tribute to 90s gangsta rap as you could possibly imagine.

17. Gerard McCann – Cry Little Sister: A ridiculous song in its own right, but also the theme song for one of the most ridiculous movies of all time: Lost Boys. (You may be asking yourself, is that the Corey's I see below, looking all sexy and awesome [and relatively not coked-out] in all of their 80's glory?!?! You're goddamn right it is!)

18. Wham –Last Christmas: I love this song, and I listen to it year round. I don’t care who knows it!

19. Foreigner – I Want To Know What Love Is: “…I want you to show me!”

20. Air Supply – Making Love Out of Nothing At All: If you’ve heard this song, you know why.

21. Barry Manilow – Ready to Take a Chance Again: “So if you want to be with him, you get back on that phone and you call Barry Manilow, and you tell him how you feel!”

Dorm Daze

The other day I was jogging through campus, and I had a nostalgic moment I never thought I would have. I was looking at the dorm rooms, and I realized I would never live in that environment again. Here I am, finally living in my own apartment (which I still love!), about to really set out on my own, and I am reminiscing about being cramped into a 10’ x 6’ room with another person?!? But if you really think about it, they were simpler times. You had to worry about getting grades, getting alcohol, getting chicks (or dudes, depending on your sex and persuasion), and occasionally getting sleep. That was it! I could list the things most of us have to worry about these days, but it would push all of the posts below this one off of the page and into the archives! So, as a tribute to dorm living, here are the best parts that I remember (and trust me, at this point, I just barely remember them) from living in a college dorm. For the sake of nostalgia, we will only be mentioning the fun parts of dorm living, and completely ignoring the tedious, annoying, and sometimes horrific parts of it. If you’d like, please add your own glorious memories in the comments section!

-When you were hungry, you didn’t go to the grocery store or have to figure out what to cook, you walked to the nearest dining hall and likely ordered something fried. Often times it was in your very own dorm!

-If you were really hungry, you microwaved some Easy Mac or Ramen Noodles. Vitamins and actual Nutritional Content be damned!

-Girls who didn’t eat enough to use up the entire minimum meal plan. They would be left with $200 at the end of the semester that had to be spent on food, and they would take you to buy a year's supply of Gatorade, Protein Bars, and Moon Pies…ok, maybe not Moon Pies, no one actually eats those.

-Coed dorms. ‘Nuff said.

-Ok, not ‘nuff said. The occasional sight of a girl in a towel walking from the bathroom to her room. Call me a perv if you want, but if you were a guy, you looked, and you enjoyed it too. And if you were girl, you know a part of you liked that we were looking. I don’t remember there being any rule against bringing your clothes or pajamas into the bathroom to change into afterwards, but I could be mistaken. (Completely unnecessary and gratuitous picture of cute girl in towel directly below.)

-Shower shoes…don’t know why, just miss them.

-The walk of shame. If you didn’t make at least one of these, you didn’t really attend college, despite what your diploma might say.

-Being able to walk down the hall to the common area, courtyard, wherever and find a conversation, a game of euchre, or whatever.

-The recruiting and organizing of a volleyball/football/drinking game was the matter of maybe 5 minutes.

-Being 5 feet away from one of your best friends, even he was messy, annoying, and typically slept with a noisy knee-mover contraption because he couldn’t seem to stop blowing out his ACL (you know who you are).

-Typing AIM (can’t believe we used ever used that antiquated technology) messages to said roommate when he was directly behind me and talking for 2 hours before going to sleep because we had the same wacky and random sense of humor and, as previously mentioned, sleep was a luxury, not a necessity.

-The male equivalent to an air freshener: Window open, fan pointed in, drier sheet on the back of the fan.

-Setting up your room to maximize that 10’ x 6’ space. I typically took control of this, and I think I was actually pretty damn good at it.

-Playing “how many beers can fit in a mini-fridge”…our record was 150, it looked like a Dr. Dre video in there!

-Drinking as much as you could before going to the bars because we did not have the legal ability and/or financial means to purchase any alcohol at the bar.

-College! I love teaching class, and I know its easy to be nostalgic about tests and lectures now that I am on the other side. But trust me, its easier to take a test than to write a fair one, not to mention making sure that you effectively teach everything that is going to be on it.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears...

With apologies to the episode of Family Guy that I borrowed this from, as well as both Mark Barlow and Andy Rooney, whom they stole the concept from in the first place, I thought it would be fun to vent some random (and hopefully funny) people, places, and things that annoy me. If you personally do or are responsible for anything that shows up on this list, cut it the f*ck out!

1. People who wear sandals/flip-flops to the gym. Seriously, how much can you really accomplish anything with something other than tennis shoes. I usually spend much of the time they are there hoping that they severely twist an ankle or drop a heavy weight on their foot.

2. People who wear any/way to much cologne/perfume to the gym. Who are you trying to impress? It’s a gym! If you are doing it correctly (which would lead to you looking and feeling better, and then being able to impress people when it might matter), you are going to be sweaty and stink. Sorry, it’s the nature of a good workout. Meanwhile, I have to spend my entire workout trying to hold my breath, kind of hard to do when you are working out hard.

3. Female stand-up comedians. I’m sorry, but with very limited exceptions, they are not very funny. I have no explanation for this phenomenon. (FYI, the person pictured below is NOT one of those exceptions).

4. Poorly timed traffic lights. If you want me to follow traffic laws, you need to create a left turn arrow at a busy intersection that allows more than 2 cars to go through legally!

5. Camera-enforced lights. While we are on the subject, if I try to sneak through a red light, and a cop has been sitting there, and I get tagged, I’m alright with that. Kudos to him, he won a most excellent game of hide-n-seek. However, if I am able to make it through said intersection, and no such officer is there to immediately punish me, there is no way in hell they should have the right to cowardly send me a ticket several weeks later.

6. The general lack of turn signals used these days. When did common courtesy and safety go out of style? I didn’t get that memo. Apparently nowadays, you can just go ahead and start a slow turn in front of me, and its my responsibility to determine that this is what you are doing before we collide, and you sue me for whiplash that didn’t actually occur.

7. Shady ambulance chasing lawyers. I saw a commercial the other day where a lawyer says “just because you didn’t report an injury at the scene, doesn’t mean you can’t get the compensation you deserve.” Translation: “Just because you weren’t shady enough to make up an injury right after your accident, its not too late to swindle someone out of their hard earned money!”

8. People who take more than their allotted amount of seat or armrest on a plane. When I pay for a seat, I am entitled to at least one armrest and all the hypothetical space in front of and above my seat. Which means there is no reason your elbows should be 3 inches past what I am graciously calling your armrest.

9. The BCS system. If I was TCU, I would be pissed that I might go undefeated against a solid schedule and have absolutely zero chance of making the national championship. If I was Boise State, I would be pissed that I could go undefeated and not even make a BCS bowl, especially after beating Oklahoma the only time they were granted such a “privildege’!

10. People who don’t agree with me on these issues! I stayed with pretty safe subjects this time around; just wait until next time I pull out this theme! J